Letter From The Avian Alliance.

Christmas is one of the favorite season of the year for most people, even for me. We all love Christmas for different reasons. Maybe it’s the snow (in some parts of the world), the carols, the holiday feeling. Whatever it is, it’s indeed a refreshing period of the year. For the Avian Alliance, however, Christmas equals tears. It’s quite disheartening that humans have not for once considered the Avian Alliance to be of a species just as we are. Have we ever imagined if there was a species whose mental capacity far outweighs? And every duration of their celebration, they randomly and massively select each man for their feast. Well, the modern man would have planned a “revolution” for their liberation. 

Due to the yet infinitesimally range of intelligent quotient of the Avian Alliance, they lack the capacity both mentally and humanly to stage such protest. In their sheer intelligence, they have decided to send us a note.  Here’s a message from a representative of the Avian Alliance to Dr. Dolittle.

“While the Turkey arm of the alliance holds its “death anniversary” during Thanksgiving, the Chicken arm hold theirs during Christmas – the most gruesome of all. The two wings have their massive burials during the New Year Celebration. Being the most hit by the humans’ savagery, the Chickens’ resentment for humans has never ceased swelling. According to our blooming science division, BeTa (from Beaks and Talons… too cliché for you humans), most recent data affirms its (our resentment for humans) current magnitude to be the distance of our Yolky way to Andromeda. That’s about 2.5 million light-years and counting!

With at least a chicken slaughtered in most homes, millions of Chickens die every Christmas season each year. In a country like Nigeria, where the practice is prevalent, approximately 200 million fowls die each year during the so-called season of joy.  The figures are quite staggering. While worldwide remonstrations of the Avian Alliance seem a surefire action plan, human intelligence transcends us. Last time we checked, our genius-level on our IQ scale equaled Mildly Impaired or delayed (55-69) on your Stanford-Binet IQ classification. A foolproof protest is, therefore, impossible for us to organize. We are fully aware of our wishy-washy thinking. Only very few of us have IQs up to 70. For anyone else reading this, Dr. Dolittle probably edited this letter because we told him to make sure it gets around.

While man receives gifts as tidings, Christmas brings us torture as tidings. On the contrary, avian necromancers benefit from the anniversary of sorrow. The Avian Alliance lifted the ban on necromancers after never-ending pleas from families and organizations across the commonwealth. Families visit them during this time of the year. No single fowl in the entire commonwealth hasn’t lost a loved one to the barbaric practice. Even the majestic Eagles are sorely concerned about the possibility of the extinction of their favorite meal. It’s quite shameful and ironical that the so-called “higher animals” are actually the ones engaged in such uncivilized practice. And FYI, there’s a holiday dedicated to families who have been wiped out. Heartbreaking, isn’t it? Let me give you an insight to the blistering headline of the last fowl meeting held at our headquarters, Volantes. “We the Avian Alliance, at this moment, authorize the Chicken and Turkey arm to cut their food intake, especially the ones reared for consumption purpose by humans after our letter to them has been circulated. They are obliged to, at their own discretion, ignore breakfasts should they perceive after a month that their message was disregarded.

Our asininity is to be blamed for our constraining silence. However, we’re terribly disappointed at the savagery of those deemed superior. Argument subjects like, ecosystem balance might pop up. We do not oppose that. You humans eventually become dust, and oh, we love the dust and soil. They’re way more relieving than your restrooms, kitchen pots, and freezers. We dare say we expect prudence (from humans) in relationships of every kind toward the avian community. 

We, the Avian Alliance, express our utmost displeasure with the gruesome practice against the avian community during your festal seasons.” 

Signed

Avian Alliance”

Well, that was intense. I’m just not sure Dr. Dolittle didn’t exaggerate their condition. On a lighter note, I think we need a second perspective on how we’re supposed to live with animals. I hope my fellow Nigerians and other people who dishonor and torture the “Avian Alliance” will reconsider their stance on this issue. We should remember the order given by the Avian Alliance in their last meeting. Lol. Else, we’d have to find other protein options, which would be difficult since we rely heavily on poultry meat.

Author- AYANFEOLUWA O. EDUN



Co-author: RASAQ AMOLEGBE.

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